I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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