The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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