if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
