So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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