I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
