you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize