very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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