I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
