I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
