Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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