Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
