we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
