Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
