he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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