Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
