life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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