wakey wakey hands off snakey
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The Olympian is in my bed
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