he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
