Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
