i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
