I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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