Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize