I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
