Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
