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I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
