nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
4 words: hood of his car
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
