Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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