I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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