Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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