I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
