Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
