I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
