Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
