I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
