thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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