This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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