My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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