DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize