all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
