i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
