how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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