I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
