her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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