Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
