she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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