my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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