Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
