So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
