I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
