When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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