My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just had sex bonerless
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
