Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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