oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
