is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
