No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
