New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
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