Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
