i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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