Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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