Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
