I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
