quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
