theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
