Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
