That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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