I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
