I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
