Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
